how can this happen... again!!!
it will ruin everything for me, my life, my future, my dreams... will crumble.

they are fighting again. and i kno i hav some influence on this. its happened before.
he said they might divorce. this cant be happening again. if it does, i might as well just give up. we'll lose the house. we'd either find an appt here, or move away. i cant handle doing that again. no! and if they do, ill hav to go to college closest to where we end up going because i cant leave my dad and brother by themself. hes only in middle skool and dad is getting old. my dreams of going to places away, moving from home, living on my own... gone.

and theyd take maya away from me. im crying just saying that. i cant go on if they take her away. id also lose the only real mom ive ever had. i never had one before her. how can she just leave all of us.

all this stress and skool starts the day after tomorrow.
cant they resolve this?
i wont be able to handle it.
i just cant.

if its over for my parents, whats the point of even trying for me anymore?

:'[
it'll be over for me

im drawing a blank

my blog is dying. ill probably be making a new one sooner or later. its just been very hard for me to get on the internet
______________
lets see whats been going on:
well the biggest thing was Boy's State (June 29- July 5). overall, i thought it was an amazing experience and would recommend it to any strong-willed person. and remember i said "overall". it was definately not like i expected it to be. first off, we had to march in "tight 4's" everywhere we went, and Northwestern State isnt a small campus. and while we marched, we had to chant and stuff. and they would randomly make us stop at random places, sometimes ranging from 10 mins to half and hour in the hot blazing sun. it was hotter there than here in lake charles. i think i upped about 5 skin tones since ive been there (and lost a few lbs). and the most sleep i got a nite was about 4 hours. whenver the councelor called "muster", we had to line up in the hallway. if we dont, they threaten to shave our heads! and they could call it at any time, sometimes 3 am! so pretty much you couldnt go to sleep until they said we could. and if you did, they'd 'bear' you, meaning they crowd around wherever you were sleeping and scream "BEAR!!!" really loud into your ear to wake you up. and there was always work to do, essays to write, and things to keep you busy.
there was a dance at the end of the week. one thing we had to do was trade our boys state shirts for a girls state shirt at the dance, and there was a prize to whoever got the biggest shirt. i think the biggest one anyone got was a XXXL. thats pretty big. and there was an even bigger prize if you came bak with panties. and yes some ppl did get panties, including one of my parish councelors xD. on the last day of work, there was a firework show. one of the most amazing fireworks i had ever seen! i think i might want to take a trip there every 4th of july just to see it.

the whole expericence awarded me with great new friends, a better sense of how government and politics work, and a better view of myself, what i am capable of, and the importance of every single individual. ^^
_____________
on july 13, i will be going to disneyworld! i am so excited to be going again. and it will be maya's first trip to disney world. the hard part is getting it all worked out. trying to find the best hotel (factoring in location, amenities, price, availability and condition), finding the right tickets and prices, etc. but im sure it will all be worth it. i will have updates when i get there so look forward to them ^^
_____________
my ongoing academic/college search is beginning to narrow down. i decided to try and get into rice university because of the location, price, friends, and its reputation. the only thing holding me back is the majors. it doesnt have nursing and that has been my main focus for so long. if i find that the major is what i am really after, then i decided to try university of houston or something similar/closer which has an excellent nursing program there.
a bit more recently, high school is coming to an end and this upcoming senior year is bringing in good and bad expectations. i have enrolled in classes at 3 campuses, barbe, mcneese, and lcb academy. pretty hectic, but i kno what im getting myself into and i really want to do it. most of my frieds hav graduated, and some of them are moving away for colleges near and not so near so thats a bummer. but i kno i will always hav my friends support close by ^^. and i am really looking forward to being barbe's mu alpha theta math team president. i have so many expectations and i kno it will be a great year. all i need now is for my schedule to work out.
______________
i am happy to say that i have grown, and that i have figured more things out. loose ends are, for the most part, tied up. the past is now actually becoming "past" to me now. and i can say now that i have moved on. im becoming more and more myself than i ever have been before. just need a little bit of polishing :]. i just hope that this will bring more relationships, more friends, more fun, and better self-esteem which i seem to have been lacking for about 16 years. i look at myself and feel proud of the progress ive made, and the path i am now on. i have put all my past feeling away and now accepting new ones. i no longer have the grudges i once had for some ppl. i dont hate, envy, or dwell with certain ppl anymore.
i hope my friends, and other significant people in my life, can also look at me and be proud. for once, i do something for myself, to better myself, instead of using myself as a pawn for others.
this, i think, is the biggest accomplishment of this summer.



all i need now, to top it all off, is that crazy four-letter word...


<3

::yawn::
usually when you have many things on your mind at once, you get very sleepy. and you crave a vacation.
sometimes it is not enough, right?
__________
stuck in a fantasy that you can never have. always pursuing it but never getting there. (like an asymptote right :P). why do I even bother, eh? it will never happen. I'm just hurting myself even more, and pushing you away, even more. do you even realize? or is it just wishful thinking?

I dont think it matters anymore. soon, very soon, it will be over, you will be gone. ill just have the memory. and if Im very very lucky, you wont be gone, and I will have your friendship. oh course, Im not telling you any of this. I cant. :[

do you even know how much it hurts?
__________
failure. what a dreadful thing. but what if that very thing defines you?
i try my hardest at everything. i do the best i can. i put forth everything i have. but i still cannot exceed. i do have high standards for myself, but i cannot live up to them.

i hate how I, in some way, can been seen as an acomplished person. smart, out-going sorta, pretty kool guy, but I can never be recognized. i always come up just a little too short. I can be so great, but I will not be seen as that. so what's the point?

my greatest failure: ability to help those around me. some people do put trust in me, count on me, come to me to help. but have i really done any good? at once i try to help, doing everything i can. but i only draw up a blank. nothing i say or do is really beneficial to anyone. my own incompetence shows up in my friends discontent. i feel that their troubles and failures are mine. forever burdening myself with their burdens.

why can't i do anything worthwhile?

i dont just have that one problem you know. that's just the most immediate and recent. i have a bigger problem or two. i just havnt necessarily talked about those. i just dont want anyone to assume that if im feeling down or you think i am, its not just because of that same one problem.

myb ill talk about it later.

but im tired.

and wasting time that i could be using to finish my world history and reading the poisonwood bible

someone im really close to asked me, "are you ready? are you really ready?" caught me by surprise. i dont think i am. she was right. i rushed myself into something i really wasnt ready for. i just wanted it so bad. sometimes when you live so long without experiencing something, without feeling something, you tend to just dive in, head-first into the black sea. then the piercing water steals your breath and makes your mind go crazy, fighting just to keep your head afloat.

thats when it hits you that maybe you should have learned to swim before jumping in the water. go figure, eh. what do i do now?
learn. before being swallowed in, i fought back, and it spit me out. then i was just laying there, cold and wet, not knowing what just happened, whether it was real, or if i would survive.

somehow, i found some pleasure of being in the water, feeling of weightlessness, feeling emotion all over you. once you stop fighting it, the water becomes so still, so tranquil, you just cant help but think how beatiful it can really be. it carries you, surrounds you, but then question or doubt it, and it turns on you. it was so nice while it lasted. maybe i can try again? "what are you going to do to be ready?" easy, do everything i didnt do, and do nothing of what i did do. for that brief moment, i felt it, the feeling ive been needing, wanting, craving. whatever it takes.

im still learning. ive also been training. i want to give it another try. im sure i can do it now. all i need now is opportunity.
this time i will float. better yet, ill actually swim. i wont know where im going, but who ever does. who knows whats lurking in those waters. doesnt matter to me. you taught me so much.

"are you ready yet? are you ready to fall in love?"

you suck!

no not really. but you are just there. always.
ack temptation. and you have no idea (i think).
i know its just a pipe dream, but i wont tell you.
in risk of awkward situations, uneasiness, grudges... yada yada.

i hate how it will never be.
i love that you are there.
i avoid you.
i always want to be around you.

but just forget it.
itll never be.

still not phased.

will you give me something? anything? at all?

the only thing keeping me from truly declaring my life is content and i am completely happy with everything.
its what keeps me up all night.
keeps me "not" doing my homework just sitting there thinking about how much better the situation could be.
keeps me hugging my pillow for hours.
keeps me distracted when i could be studying for something useful.

still unphased, and going strong.
i hold this title with hopes of changing it.

lonely doesnt have to be so denotely put.

single sounds better.

... why am i hesitating?

nothing bad. or that controversial. just need to get things out there ya' know. many things have bothered me. but ive been holding it in.
ive evolved, changed, grown, strengthened. so its not eating away at me. but i just want to know, need to know. but hesitation.

it was not my intention to never talk to you again. you said we can still talk and stuff. just simple conversation like i would with any of my friends. what happened? i am sorry for that. ive screwed up many things but i am different now. i will never ask for a second chance. i now how it is now.
but i want us to talk again. i miss you. i dont care about last year. well i do, but its not holding me any more.

thats whats been bothereing me though, last year, but again, not holding me. just curious. and i like hearing from you. liked being around you without feeling ackward.

i dont know what last year meant to you, but i hope you dont forget me. because i havnt forgotten you yet. hasnt escaped my mind for even one day for over a year by now.

oops.... i hope nothing i said makes you feel obliged to do anything, or broach guilt in any way. dont worry about anything.
maybe if im lucky, we will talk again.

:]

Because you're bored and have stumbled upon this... TAG!

That's right, tag. As in: Tag, you're it. And you are. As of right now.

Here's how you play:

Once you have been tagged, you have to write a blog with 10 weird, random things, facts, habits or goals about yourself. At the end, choose 10 people to be tagged, listing their names and why you chose them. Don't forget to leave them a comment ("You're It") and to read your blog. You can't tag the person who tagged you. Since you can't tag me back, let me know when you've posted your blog so I can see your answers!

1) My longest routine in the morning is doing my hair... of course

2) I take all these hard classes to distinguish myself, to challenge myself, and because I have no idea where my life is heading, better prepare for it anyway right?

3) I have issues talking on phones, idk why. I'd rather talk directly to ppl, but... idk :/.

4) I can't wait for the freedoms and liberties that come with being at college and away from home

5) My freshman year made me realize who I am.

6) My sophomore year turned my life around completely.

7) My junior year tied up most of my loose ends.

8) Im not as smart as people see me. It's hard to explain.

9) I suck in relationships

10) I don't ask for anything, I don't have a lot (not material), but I seen recognition because of what I lack, but it translates as cockiness and stupidity :[.

I TAG : (i dont know anyone else with blogs)

1)Aaron

2)Kaylyn

3)Rachel

4)Sadie

5)Hair Bear

If u guys hav blogs
6)Vicky <3

7)Steph ^^

8) Coco

9)Zerhow (yao wo)

10)Um....... blah

growl

May 2007
June 2007
November 2007
December 2007
February 2008
March 2008
April 2008
July 2008
August 2008

Rachel.
Aaron.
Harrison.
Trang.
Kayly-Kay.
Mercedes <3.
Jordan.
Laronmi.
Christa.


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