Unspoken-Unheard
[rxn]
45 - ELLEGARDEN
Our friend's show will begin in 45 minutes
But we are still a hundred miles away from the hall
We are at almost half way there
Driving fast to catch the first song he will sing for us tonigt
Our tires are flat
We could be running out of gas
It's getting dark now
Our headlamps are failing
Maps are too old
We don't even know where we are
But we have to go
We think we'll make it
Step on the gas
We'll be in time at least for the party after the show
Don't forget that we are here to have fun
NOt to throw blame around
We screwed up at the last corner
Then we had to make left turn to get back to the main street
We are almost there
Come on buddy
We are only 5 minutes late
You know the show could have been delayed
I will take you
I'll lead you there
I promise that I will take you
Now the tires are burning
We are at the edge of the town
It's dark now
But we see the bright lights there
We don't need these maps anymore
We are quite sure of
Where we are now
We are sure to make it
[full moon]
oh how beautiful the night was last night while i was star fishing.
the sky was so clear, the moon was so bright, the stars so amazing.
then the storm comes in.
the sky tonight was covered with clouds.
so not perfect for star fishing.
: 23:58
[errr...]
im finally free after almost 3 effin' weeks. its blown over... but not forgotten. i still cant really talk to him the same way and ive never hugged him goodnight or goodbye for anything. and things are still bitter. but i wont apologize. never.
on other notes...
we close this new house we got tomorrow. its an ok house. i didnt think we really needed it... and they used my Mu Alpha Theta Nationals money to help buy it. and i still havnt forgiven them for that. but the good news is, for the first time, in my entire life, i get a room for myself. i never had my own room before. its pretty kool. im sure all of you are going "damn" but yea... thats how limited my life is.
i finished driver's ed yesterday. im a horrible driver. dont let me drive you anywhere. at least not until i get more experience. what i really need to work on are my turns. ack turning too soon or too late or too wide or too narrow or turn the wheel too fast or too slow or not enough or too much. damn ><.
well i applied for my first job a while back. i doubt ill get them. its at l'auberge du lac hotel and casino. i applied for bus boy at asia, foodserver at le cafe, and host at le beaucoup. heh they still didnt contact me so i doubt ill get it. i mean... im still actually 15. i dont turn 16 for a while.
ack schedule conflicts. damn. i requested ap eng 4 gft, precal gft, phy adv, ap wrld hist gft, spn 3, ap chem 2, ap chem 2 lab. of course that wouldnt work out. nester called me today to work it out. she said she tried as hard as she could to make it work but it just wouldnt no matter what she did. i had to either phase down to eng 4 adv or precal adv or take out wrld hist or phy adv. damn it. i wanted to just drop wrld hist, but she said it still wouldnt work. so i took out phy and said ill move that until senior year. and in its place... i have to take health for first semester and work in the office the second semester x_X.
i got a letter today for an interview. some program will give you aid including : tuition and fees, room and board, books and supplies, transportation allowance, and misc personal expenses. that is a lot of money. and they said i can use it to any college i want and they are offering assistance in choosing a college, filling out forms for the aid and college, career planning, ACT/SAT prep, and help with educational strategies to help transitioning into college. i think thats huge. so im calling to reserve my times for the interview. so... cross your fingers for me and my other friends taking this opportunity ^^.
well... at least im finally free. i need to get out. im so... emotionally messed up. so much other stuff is going on too. but i know i'll be ok, though my skies are turning gray...
: 20:01
[shooting star]
... because stars dont fall for me.
: 21:43
[changes]
ack times are changing. people are leaving. high school is ending. college is nearing. tempers are rising.
nothing will be the same will it. just takes some getting used to i guess.
the only thing is... is it changing for the best? maybe. even though we may not like it. if i may not like it.
we'll all be separating. flying in all our own directions. wings taking us wherever. just remember, its still the same sky. dont forget me. because i'll never forget any of you.
<:]?
: 22:40
[crawling]
i really dont know. kind of a lot of stuff all at once. too much stuff at once.
first off, my dad. that stupid fight. he told me to apologize for what i did. NO WAY! i refuse. at least until he figures it out and apologizes to me first. he just doesn't get it. he never has. and he never listens when i try to tell him. even when my counselor tried to tell him.
he even has to go and throw stuff at me and yell at me like a madman. saying that i changed ever since i became, and i quote, "a stupid faggot." that... ########. like it was helping. and trying to cut me off from my friends isnt 'teaching' me anything. all it is doing is making me even angrier. happy fucking father's day my ass ><.
another thing is school. my mind has been shifting non-stop about the future. i dont know what the hell i want to be years from now. i cant just say i want to be this because later on i may want to be something else. the least dad could do is support me or at least be happy. but no. it isnt about me. its about him. he says he doesnt want me to, quote again, "fuck up your life." i know what im doing. im not stupid. and... its my decision. not his. if i didnt want to go to college (which i do want to go), i wont. the point is he cant make the decisions for me like he always has. im sick of him always making all my decisions.
ack so much stuff craming into my head i cant think straight lately. driving me to do things i promised to myself and other people that i wouldnt do. i couldnt help it ><.
: 00:18
[for once, not an emo post]
ahh the act was fun. hah. you know me, i think tests, and school work, and stuff like that is fun xD. the questions were all really really easy. the only hard part is the time limits. but i answered most of them. oh i cant wait for my results. im hoping for at least a 30. im feeling very confident right now. and that is rare. because recently, as you noticed, i havnt been feeling to well.
so...
;]
: 23:24
[ACT]
act tomorrow morning at 8 am at lagrange. x_X
dun dun dun...
: 23:30
[??]
AHHHH
laflkjsdrfnlekvuyoanaaelkrnalviu!!!!!
><
get out
get out
GeT ouT
GeT ouT
GET OUT
GET OUT
GET OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!
ERGGGG
i cant take it anymore
><
i cant help feeling this way
nothing is right anymore
whats happening?
: 23:27
[?]
???
i really dont know.
im so confused.
nothings wrong.
but everything is wrong.
why cant i ever figure these things out.
what the hell is going on with me???
i wish someone can help me.
help me figure things out.
but i dont know if anyone can.
if i cant figure it out... if i cant figure myself out.
what the f*** is wrong with me???
>< AAAHHHHHHHH
: 22:36
[newfound tears]
where did these tears come from. i dont know. it just suddenly came to me, that urge to cry. i dont even know what i was thinking when the tears came. they just came to me.
where could they have come from?
is it that my dad can no longer look me in the face again. or my mom is taking everything she does not understand and using it aainst me. or is it the pressure finally getting to me, knowing im gettin older and that nothing will be the same again. or because i am haunted again by this dreadful mirror.
or is it that...
: 23:30
[bad hair day]
i hate looking in my mirror. im always hiding myself from looking at the way i am now. >,<. i even drove myself to wear this stupid jacket so i, and anyone else, wouldnt have to see what i see everyday...
... but last night. a really good friend of mine that ive known since second grade told me something. she told me maybe i dont see what everyone else sees. maybe im looking at things the completely wrong way. oh how she makes me feel so much better.
i look in the mirror and see that its not impossible. but there is some things that mirrors cant show. and what it doenst show me will be harder to fix. all my life i have been screwing things up. i swore to myself that i would change. i believe in second chances. but im already on my third chance. and its happening again. i feel that im pushing people away. early on, because i seclude myself. because im shy. then later on bc i get annoying. i dont know why im like this. ive lost friends before. i dont want to lose anyone.
: 20:46